101 Reasons Why Our Mother is Better, Cooler, Hotter and Everything Else-er than Clair Huxtable (And That’s Saying a Lot)

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!

by Her Children

(Rakia aka “Nook,” Christopher aka “Son,” Delise aka “Boops,” Jewel aka “Bugus,” Baby Dennis (R.I.P.), and Xarina aka “Boobie”)

  1. Mom is real. Clair is not.
  2. Mom birthed us, and not at the same time like Kate or the Octomom.
  3. She is a fantastic cook. Having seen every episode of “The Cosby Show” several times, there was little indication that Clair had superior culinary skills. Mom does.
  4. She’s a cancer survivor who’s fighting it again with great humor and perspective.
  5. There’s no way Clair could pull off a bald head.
  6. Mom still lets us cuddle with her. It does not matter that we’re too big or too old.
  7. At Christmas time when we all come home, we argue over who gets to sleep next to Mom. Nook and Boops have actually wrestled over this. Boops won but everyone knows she cheated.
  8. Each one of us really, truly, in our heart of hearts believes we are her favorite.
  9. Mom isn’t afraid to let us see her weaknesses. She’s not stuffy, ever.
  10. Going to the movies with Mom and watching her reactions to the people and things around her is often more entertaining than the movie itself.
  11. To this day, Mom knows when we are lying.
  12. One time, when Nook was taking the road less traveled and feeling down, Mom called to sing gospel songs. (Note: Mom does not sing well.)
  13. One of her favorite colors is fuchsia. Isn’t that fun?!
  14. Clair does not have a Bermudian accent.
  15. Clair does not have Bermudian family and friends that we can make fun of when they say, “Ay, ace gahrl! Where yi gohhn? Whuuu mee? Garhl, Um gohhn dduuuun tuuun. C’mon you lot! “(Translation: Hey, ace girl! Where are you going? Who me? Girl, I am going downtown. Come on everybody!)
  16. Mom says “idear” instead of “idea.”
  17. Mom says “Caliphonia” instead of “California.”
  18. Mom pronounces the “t” in “ninety-nine.”
  19. She says “Deddy” instead of “Daddy.”
  20. Mom thinks it’s funny when we say “y’all.”
  21. She gives the best “Bermie kisses.” If you don’t know what this is, come ask one of us to give you one. We don’t do them nearly as good as Mom, but they’re fun to receive anyway.
  22. When we’re feeling fat and big enough to be a contestant on “The Biggest Loser,” Mom knows all the good diets (and bad ones) because she’s tried them all.
  23. Mom is a Positive Patty. Her favorite words – said with conviction! – are “really” and “best.”
  24. She can wake the whole house up, all the while attempting to be silent and without saying a word. That’s talent.
  25. Mom has a real booty. Clair wasn’t packing that much.
  26. We believe Mom still has her entire wardrobe from 1985 because “it might come back in style and I might be that small again.”
  27. Each and every time she sneezes, Mom adds a high-pitched “Eeeeeee!” at the end. It is hilarious.
  28. When Mom is paying attention to something intently, she blinks a lot. This is also hilarious.
  29. Mom doesn’t go off on people often, but when she does, get out your cell phone to video tape it.
  30. She tells us all the time how proud she is of us. Then she takes credit for all our success.
  31. She gives the best pep talks.
  32. In college right before big exams, Nook would call her for encouragement, and Mom would yell out “Go Nook! Go Nook!” over and over as Nook sang-hummed the theme to “Rocky” and shadowboxed outside the exam room.
  33. Mom convinced some her co-workers to get in on the “Go Nook! Go Nook!” Rocky action. By Nook’s senior year, a lot of people at Mom’s job were yelling it out. It became a thing.
  34. She’s set a great example of how to be present and supportive for your family.
  35. She lets us act like grown ups but knows when we need to be babied.
  36. She tells us when we’re wrong and gives us advice on how to remedy it. (We do not always like this.)
  37. She tells us when we are right. (We always like this.)
  38. Mom has probably already lost interest in reading this list, though she’s laughed at a few of them.
  39. When we come home to visit, she likes to cook our favorite foods.
  40. There is no one we trust to have our backs more than her.
  41. Mom is a lot of fun to pick on because she is very, very easily annoyed.
  42. She, however, does not like to be picked on. This makes it all the more fun to do.
  43. She still calls us all by the nicknames that began when we were just days old. Christopher’s is the only one that makes any sense.
  44. Mom is the tallest short person we know.
  45. Mom is the darkest, light-skinned person we know. (If you ever meet her, there is an 87.9% chance that she will tell you her complexion is medium brown. You will smile and nod slowly, knowing better than to argue.)
  46. Mom would open her door to anyone in need. We admire this but do no always agree.
  47. Mom is generous beyond reason.
  48. She honestly has the biggest heart of anyone we know.
  49. All our friends absolutely looooove Mom. She is frequently referred to as “The Fun Mom.” She just refers to herself as “’Da Mama.”
  50. She is always our biggest, loudest fan, even when we’d rather she sit and watch quietly.
  51. When Boops and Bugus were competitive track stars, Mom’s wildly exuberant yelling and screaming from the stands became a running joke.
  52. Not only did Mom always cheer for us, but she would jokingly tell the rival parents that their kid sucked. No one was fooled by her jovialness. Everybody knew what she was doing.
  53. Whenever it was necessary, Mom was a dad too.
  54. She has the best running commentary for watching big television shows, sporting events, or movies…assuming she can stay awake through the whole thing.
  55. She has the best analogies for facial features: “Diddy’s mouth looks like he’s chewing pork chops.”
  56. About this guy on tv with a very unfortunate looking nose, Mom said it looked like someone had picked up a piece of bubble gum, chewed it a few times, spit it out and stuck it on the man’s face. Remarkably, that is EXACTLY what the man’s nose looked like. We all cried we laughed so hard. To this day, when any of us sees a person with a bad nose, we yell out “Bubble gum nose!” It’s like calling jinx.
  57. Mom does not care what people think about her.
  58. At Christmas, Mom makes Boops sing “O Holy Night” like Renee Fleming. Except Boops sounds nothing like Renee Fleming.
  59. For as long as any of us can remember, upon hearing the first instrumental notes of Jennifer Holliday’s version of “And I’m Telling You I’m Not Going,” we all grab spatulas, hairbrushes, remote controls or whatever’s handy to sing as loudly as we can with Mom, who we know is doing the exact same thing. Then we all rush into the same room and get sweaty and hoarse “performing” the song. This can happen in any location and at any time, mind you.
  60. Mom always buys us socks and pajamas at Christmas. She knows we continue to need them every year.
  61. Mom’s sporadic food cravings can be fun. If you have the munchies, go check her purse. We bet you $10 there’s something delicious in there.
  62. But first you have to find her purse. She never knows where she left it last.
  63. “Has anyone seen my wallet?!” – Mom
  64. “Has anyone seen my keys?! – Mom
  65. “Has anyone seen my shoe?!” – Mom, because she can only ever find one
  66. “Quickly, quickly!” – Mom, because she hates having to wait
  67. “You’re talking in my wrong ear.” – Mom, who is mostly deaf in her right ear
  68. Do not ever say there is no food in the house because, to Mom, this means you’re being lazy about cooking. She will open the freezer and say, “I’m got chicken! I’m got steak! I’m got crab legs!…” (Note: She actually says “I’m.”)
  69. Mom has big feet like all of us.
  70. Mom will give you her last dime even if she has to pay a bill. She will not tell you she has a bill due.
  71. When Boops gets the sniffles, Mom wants to rush her to the hospital. “You lot know Boops has always been the sickly one.”
  72. When Boobie was a teenager and went to get her eyes tested, it turned out that she’d had horrible vision for years and never said anything. Mom cried right there in the doctor’s office. She couldn’t believe she’d never noticed it. That’s how much she cares about being a good parent.
  73. Mom can do the same old “Shake Ya’ Booty” dance that she did in the 1970s. It’s still the only dance she can do. That and the electric slide. She’ll dance it to anything; a waltz, a tango,…
  74. If you ask her to do this dance – which we do not recommend – she will also tell you about the time she won a hot pants contest back before any of us were born.
  75. Mom likes – scratch that – loves Crown Royal.
  76. She puts ice cubes in her wine.
  77. Boops is Mom’s hair color guinea pig. Since she swears she and Boops are the same color (see #45), she makes Boops try the color first to see how it looks against her skin tone.
  78. Mom was something of an athlete when she was younger. She did a lot of back-flips and cartwheels in her backyard. She can still do a back walkover and split.
  79. Men dig Mom. She’s kinda hot. All of us admit to cock blocking a time or two. But always for good reasons.
  80. Mom says that she should have been born rich instead of beautiful. But we all know she’d rather have her beauty.
  81. Her handwriting looks like chicken scratch. But it’s distinctive so we always know when it’s hers.
  82. We have come to find it endearing that Mom casually shakes her shoulders up and down and says “Well…” after realizing she is dead wrong about something she swore she was right about. She can shake off anything.
  83. Mom has very expensive taste and quality is key for her. She always gets the best.
  84. When she explains something to somebody, you know she’s getting to the crux of the issue when she says, “The key is….” This has become a running joke in the family.
  85. Mom makes her bed each and every morning. It is her biggest pet peeve.
  86. She only watches westerns and love stories. When they combine, it’s sweet bliss for her.
  87. Mom walks hard. And we mean hard. You can hear her coming a mile away.
  88. Whenever she says gardening will only take an hour, add about two more to that. But it can be fun.
  89. When Mom plays one of her favorite 1980s gospel songs, “The Denied Stone” by Vanessa Bell Armstrong, you can barely hear the song because Mom is talking out the lyrics, pointing at you, and explaining why the song is so powerful and relevant.
  90. On the rare occasion that she’s bored, Mom YouTubes different versions of “The Star Spangled Banner.” Her favorites are Shanice’s and Faith Hill’s. Remarkably, she doesn’t think that much of Whitney’s.
  91. When Boobie, the baby of the family, graduated from high school, Mom wept. All those years of her saying she couldn’t wait to have us all out of the house, and she WEPT when it finally happened. We laughed hysterically, of course.
  92. Mom embraces Nook’s dog Honey as her grandchild and asks about her often.
  93. Mom has a great spirit. Everybody everywhere says so.
  94. Her favorite foods are crab legs with melted butter and homemade French fries with mayonnaise.
  95. Mom does the Atlanta Braves’ tomahawk chop when cheering for the Atlanta Falcons.
  96. She can never find the remote control and will call you to help look for it. We always find that she’s sitting on it.
  97. Mom is not modest. She calls herself “knock  ’em dead gorgeous.”
  98. Her favorite joke is awful, but she laughs so hard at herself when she’s telling it – crying and guffawing and holding onto something so she doesn’t fall – that you can’t help but laugh, too. To paraphrase: A woman goes to bed one night and dreams of clouds and marshmallows. She jumps from cloud to cloud eating marshmallows and rubbing her tummy with satisfaction. ‘Oh, these marshmallows taste so good!’ the woman says. She can’t believe her luck. She’s just eating up every marshmallow she sees. The next morning when she wakes up, her pillow is gone.”
  99. With one long, drawn out “Son,” she can get Christopher to do anything, including renovate her entire downstairs, mow the lawn, trim the hedges, pump the gas, fix the roof, and other “boy” stuff. Thank goodness he’s handy.
  100. Mom’s a fun grandmother who refuses to be called Grandma. She’s simply “Gran.” Apparently this sounds less old.
  101. In all our lives, it is no exaggeration to say this: She. Is. Everything to us. And we are everything to her.
Advertisements

About RtG

Rakia the Great, or RtG, is a publishing geek and sometimes literary snob. She's stumbling her way towards personal fulfillment and world domination by, oh, I dunno, writing this blog. Most days she's living her dream as a fancy schmancy editor. But not, like, today.
This entry was posted in Family. Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to 101 Reasons Why Our Mother is Better, Cooler, Hotter and Everything Else-er than Clair Huxtable (And That’s Saying a Lot)

  1. Auntie Mimi says:

    This is a wonderful tribute to celebrate a wonderful mom- my sister-in-law and my friend 🙂 Happy Mothers Day Georgina !!!!!!

  2. Brittany Brooks says:

    This has to be one of the cutest Mommy Day gifts I’ve ever seen!!! Love you all, and miss you too!! Happy Mother’s Day, Momma May!!

    P.S.
    Thanks for giving me one of the coolest kids I know, Delise (but Rakia’s my favorite)!!

  3. Anonymous says:

    Im one of the “friends” in #49 and I can see Momma May saying/doing all of this. I’m dyingggg laughing at #98 tho. Hilarious! Great gift, guys! Happy Mother’s Day, Momma May! ❤ you!

  4. Anonymous says:

    Jew – this rocks for real. I love it

  5. Gina, your children are truly a blessing from God, as my grandmom would say..Beautiful Flowers…and I know you are a Very Proud Mom, all have bloomed very beautiful..I Love You Gina ❤

  6. Anonymous says:

    Love this!!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s